From Warsaw to Scotland

Hello from Scotland!! Or as they say here: Pick a windae ye bamheid.

Yes, it's been a while and for that I offer most profuse apologies but you I have a very good excuse: I couldn't really be bothered writing any more and that's why I didn't update it. As you may have guessed from the subject, I'm back in the UK now so I've been pampering myself with good bread, fresh milk and edible chocolate and thus haven't found the time to update my blog. But then I had a pang of conscience and felt very guilty about neglecting my dear readers and so that's why you find another entry about my adventures.

So, last time I wrote I was in Warsaw and enjoying being back in Europe. Cath came out to visit me the very next day so I was out at the airport ready to meet her and it was fantastic to see her after almost 3 months away. We spent another day in Warsaw doing all the tourist stuff before getting a train that evening to Krakow where we were going to be staying with a friend of mine for a few days.

Krakow was gorgeous - a great size for walking around and with a lovely (slightly touristy) square in the middle with lots of cafes and stuff. It wasn't too busy except for what seemed to be thousands of school parties getting under my feet and in my way. But I took it in my happy-go-lucky way and only slapped a few of them - little brats that they were. So we did the tourist stuff - went to the Jewish quarter, went up the big bell tower-type thing for views over the city and went down to the castle and cathedral which were jolly impressive. We spent a day in the salt mines which were incredible - I'd love to recount all the facts and figures we were told on the tour but I've forgotten them so you'll just have to believe me when I say that it was pretty old, really big and quite cool - there was a giant cathedral carved out deep in the mine which I'm sure you'll agree is impressive.

We also went to the site of the Auschwitz concentration camp. There are lots of exhibitions and things detailing all the awful things that went on there but as you walk about you really can't imagine what it was like. A lot of the buildings and things remain but it doesn't look like an awful place - it's just a number of buildings after all - and I found it quite difficult to comprehend that all these terrible things had gone on in the place I was walking around. It's a bit strange being inside this sort of industrial looking room and finding out that they gassed and burned thousands upon thousands of living human beings right where you were standing. I'm not really too sure what I thought as I came away from the place but it's definitely worth a visit to see and experience for yourself, if only for the educational value of the exhibitions.

The only other thing of note is when Thecla's (for indeed she is the friend I was referring to) neighbour somehow managed to lock us all in Thecla's apartment. I'm not entirely clear on why we were locked in but if you knew Thecla then these things tend to happen to her so you learn not to ask questions. Anyway, the only way out was for someone (me) to leap off her balcony to the ground below and then go round and open the front door. Rising the challenge, I lept off her balcony, landed on my feet, staggered around for approximately 20 seconds in the manner of Oliver Reed after a particularly heavy night out before crashing to the ground gracefully, taking out a young tree in the process and managing to cover my lovely Trans-Siberian T-Shirt in some kind of moss. Not my finest hour as a hero but as a comedian I've never managed as many laughs. But I managed to release the hostages so well done me.

After Krakow we caught an overnight train to Budapest. Cath really suffered with her hay fever on the train and was finding it difficult to breathe which was quite worrying but thankfully it cleared itself up enough that she was able to sleep a bit. Our border guards didn't help much by waking us up at 3am and 6am to check our passports but I was very well behaved and polite to them despite them waking me from my precious slumber.

Once we got to Budapest then it was straight to the hotel and on with the sightseeing. Budapest was much much bigger than both Warsaw and Krakow but it was still very picturesque and with lots of impressive buildings and sights for us to take in. Cath was starting to discover that my approach to sightseeing generally involved finding somewhere to eat, having a good meal and a rest, quickly perusing a few sights and then going back to the hotel for a little afternoon nap before heading out for dinner in the evening. Sadly this didn't really fit in with her idea of a holiday so we saw lots of Budapest while I sulked around clutching my stomach in the style of a 5-year old child who wanted a McDonalds, so we saw lots of the sights of Budapest such as the Royal Palace and the fantastic gothic parliament building as well as lots of buildings that I missed the names of because I was too malnourished to focus.

We also had a fantastic time at the thermal baths which were full of all sorts of people of all sorts of shapes and sizes and wearing all sorts of inappropriate clothing. I put them all to shame with my chiselled figure as I relaxed in the baths and noted the look of envy in the men and lust in the women. There was a very cool thing that I'll struggle to describe but it was basically a circular wall that you could swim around and which also had it's own current which propelled you round. It was great fun but Cath had an altercation with some fat Hungarians and crashed into the wall managing to damage her knee in the process - thankfully it wasn't too major so we were able to continue scoping out lots of new restaurants.

After Hungary it was back to the UK and a life of laziness (for me at least - every other sucker had to go to work - ho ho ho!). We arrived in Heathrow and I took the wheel of Cath's car for the first time in 3 months. Within the first 5 minutes I'd almost managed to crash so it was pretty much back to life as normal although I was about 10 miles down the M4 before I'd remembered to put my seatbelt on - perhaps more of China had rubbed off onto me than I'd thought.

The Saturday after I got back I had to get all dressed up for my friend Andy's wedding because I was the best man. I wore my pink cravat without a hint of irony and delivered a best man speech full of dreadful jokes which people were polite enough to laugh at - I can't imagine what it would have been like if no-one had laughed. After another week of laziness (which I could SERIOUSLY get used to) I came to Scotland to visit the family and do a spot of hill-walking which brings me to today, sitting at my parents computer with two very sore legs from my exertions.

What next then, I hear you all cry? Well, I'm back in England (hopefully minus all those stupid England flags everywhere now that they're no longer in the World Cup) next week and then on the 11th I head off to Sydney which is in a place called Australia where everything is upside down and they all speak like Rolf Harris. Sounds like fun!

So, that's all from me for the time being - hopefully my next blog update will be carried out in a more timely manner.

Anyway, ripper mate, stone the flamin crows.

Gregor